Poem – Turn

The turn is coming, I can feel it just beyond

The chambers have opened, the horrors unleashed

What’s to come, I can’t explain

Hold on tight, or you’ll lose the game

Now now, you’ve been here before, just sit up tall and get a grip


Poem – Charred Book of Hope

The book has always been within your grasp, but you’ve denied it all this time

Through erroneous ways and unthought mistakes, the end shall always be the same

But based on luck from in the cosmos and across time and space, things have worked out true for you, wrecked child thought of thee

All that’s left to do now is turn the pages of the book, be it charred from the destruction around you, it will always exist to be

Hope is in your grasp though your mind remains a labyrinth, you’ll suffer this your whole life but no the book will truly remain.

Poem – Break Away 

Am I stuck to live this way, bound and tied with no escape 

The cure for my impairment, nothing but a boulder covered tomb 

The aid I received for my cry of help now only causes me pain, the land of lethargy seems to like to hold me at bay 

Breaking the rules will lead to escape, but at what cost is what I ask 

I vow to never hurt like I’ve hurt the loved before, but the damage I caused can and will never be erased 

I need to break away from this, the thought, or the help, this I don’t know 

Blog – My Thoughts On God

I generally choose not to talk about things that are controversial or that may cause arguments; but sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone, you know?  So, here we are then, stepping into the ‘uncomfortable’. 

As a child I was raised as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, branching from Christianity; so having the general beliefs in God and Jesus but along with the bigger differences including the date of Jesus’s birth and how he died. Along with the more commonly known aspects like not celebrating birthdays and pagan holidays, not associating themselves with “the world” and the most controversial of all; the refusal of blood transfusions. 

From as young as I can possibly remember until the age of 16; this was my life. I lived and breathed this lifestyle. I didn’t know any different. Attending meetings, going out knocking on doors (to the annoyance of everyone I’m sure) and living wholesomely. It was tough; being the subject of ridicule on many occasions due to the belief I had, not being able to enjoy what it’s like being a kid like all the others, but having such restrictions. But it was a life I lived, mainly due to the fact that I was scared to step outside of it. 

But came the age of 15 and I began to see the holes in the bible stories, the lies behind the truths, the questions which were answered solely on faith alone and no evidential proof, and the two faced acts belonging to the people we are suppose to rely on like the Elders. So after months of internal struggles I made the choice to leave. 

This was horrendous because of a couple of reasons. One being because it was tough seeing how my family had to treat me because this happened. And I know that they only acted the way the only knew how, but I still have some pretty hectic flashbacks of the painful moments and heartbreaking words that were said to me. And the other reason, because it was a life I only knew, it was like I was reborn but into a world that I had no idea about. I was living in a world that made no sense to me because I was living in a guarded world. And then the stresses of “is the world going to end, have I made the wrong decision”. It’s been 7 years since I left and I still have these tormenting thoughts. 

Anyway, that is my background when it comes to religion. I have a pretty good idea of it, and The first few years after I left I became obsessed about finding the real answers to my questions and also surprising myself by finding things that have casted a bad light on the Jehovah’s Witnesses and other religions alike. 

So I’m 23 now and how do I feel? 

Fallacies. The whole lot of it. I was stripped of a childhood thanks to a fairytale. I don’t blame my family as they were all fooled. God is not existing. And trust me, I wish he was real just as much as the next, but he’s not. There is no God. The bible is the greatest work of fiction and poetry that there is, but it’s killed millions, those who buy into it. I understand these will be unliked thoughts; but I’m my mind, they are too correct. 

You are blinded from the truth with their lies. I wish I could wake the people from their senses but some are just too far gone. This has devolved into a rant like writing now I know; but I just had to get it off my chest. Don’t be blinded please; your wasting your life. I don’t care what religion you believe in; it’s all just lies upon lies upon lies. Have faith in yourself and not a story. 

Blog Update – Moving Forward

Finally there are some positive changes coming my way. After what felt like an eternity battling myself and my surroundings; things are looking up. I’m so tired of dwelling upon the past, I’m more than ready to let it all go now; to move on and keep moving on. To grasp the happiness that’s always been in front of me. 

Not only that, I’m finally getting my things in order, things that I have been running away from for a while now. Getting my finances squared up, looking for more of a positive outlook on things included. Also a move is on the way.

I haven’t done a move out of the blue like this in a few years; but perhaps it’s the breath of fresh air my life urgently needs right now. Leaving a backwards town and being closer to the city and a larger populace. And I’m moving home. Moving back close to my hometown. 

To explain where I live now I’m not giving many positive words to use. Sure it has a couple of nice beaches and other locations, but isn’t really “younger generation-friendly” as it’s so limited. I’m 23 and I don’t need a whole lot to keep me entertained, but for where I am living now, it’s just not enough. And having my daughter and another baby on the way, it’s just not far for them, especially knowing what I grew up around as a kid.

I took everything for granted the first time I lived there, but this time ’round I’m going to be making the most of it; family adventures, getting engrossed in some culture, learn new things; I need a revamp, a complete reconstruction; and this is it. I literally have the change that I want at my fingertips and it’s fast approaching. It gives me an overwhelming sensation on the inside knowing that this is all coming to fruition. 

February 2012 I left the city life and moved to a country town 400kms away. The move was a quickly thought up idea and happened in what felt like a blink of the eye. It did not take me very long to regret this move but we went all in with the idea. It only took 2 years for things to become pear-shaped due to dying industries I lost my job which I have mentioned in old blogs. Then after those two years came a turbulent lifestyle of ups and downs. Some very good things and other very bad things. But we have always just rolled with the punches. 

Now it’s June 2017, 5 years and 4 months later.. and I’m about to move back to where I left, the place I took for granted and should have appreciated more. The longing I’ve had for a place has never been so strong. And I know what I’m returning to will not be the same; to have those expectations is downright ludicrous; but I will make it what I want it to be in my mind, and it will be glorious. Can you tell I am just a little bit excited? 

To know that I can visit theme parks, zoos, the city, quiet towns, busy towns.. anything and everything.. don’t take this for granted, as I have done. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I will be there with both arms ready to grasp anything thats given to me! 

Finding Light In The Darkness

Slipping from my grip, I thought that I lost it allMy future felt so bleak, doomed and so relentless 

The never ending pulling backwards and forwards; it felt that life was over

Positivity drained and darkness embraced; a one way ticket to the exit lane 

But like finding light in a cave; life is starting to stir again 

I don’t expect to be the same; as my faults are forever scarred for me to bear

But the book must continue on and I’ll write on; ’cause life ain’t forever so we must go on 

Denied myself happiness for far too long; but it’s been there this time and all along

So I’ll pick myself up from this earth and dust off my hands; for works to be done starting now and forevermore. 

Poem – Worry

I worry about this, about everything and all

I worry what’ll become, from now and beyond 

I worry that you; in sense of what’s lost 

The pain I have, the pain I caused  

The pain you have, the pain was caused  

The foretelling of our future is foggy and lost

I’ve lost it all, no matter what I could gain

Save me from slipping, I’m reaching out my hand

Will I find yours, or anyone’s at all?

Happy Third Birthday, Caitlin

In a time of mental turmoil, you came to be

A creation of pure love and happiness, we were blessed with thee

I remember holding you in my thoughts for months to follow, left in awe just knowing what’s to come

Finally the day came, brown hair and hazel eyes a baby laid

Tears blurred my vision with you in my arms, I am just lucky to know you, but in reality I am your Dad

Three years long I have watched you now, and of those years there isn’t a moment that I would return

For You my Daughter, there is nothing I wouldn’t do to see you smile

For You my Daughter, I would do anything to keep you safe

I love you my little Melody,

My Caitlin Blair

Love Dad.

My Bipolaroid Shot – Part 1 of 3 – (Hypo)Manic

(Trigger Warning)

I feel all my life I’ve battled mental illness all my life; whether it be with myself, family members or even friends. We have grown well accustomed with each other at this point. I’ve always never let it hold me back, sure it has stopped me at times, but you always beat. That’s what I Tell myself anyway.

Growing up I was always an angry but reserved child. The youngest age i can recall being and have feelings of nothing but despair was at the nice young age of 6. I remember coming home from school and just not feeling right, i felt that I just wasn’t meant to be. Back then though, I kind of assumed that was normal, well, apparently it isn’t. This is the first time I’ve ever mentioned anything like this, it’s fairly brutal for me to come to terms with.

I would come home from school some days and head straight to my room. to escape the world, people, all of civilization really. I use to self harm myself even at that young age; no, not with a blade or fire, but by punching myself in the head and throwing myself into walls and things alike. I use to say such horrid things about myself, yet i was such an innocent child. Looking back now, these should have been alarm bells knowing something wasn’t quite right,

Even entering my teenage years things just grew increasingly worse. The self hate talk got worse, the physical abuse to myself was worse and then the mixture of hormones.. well, welcome to hell really. Ask anyone I went to school with they would probably tell you I was fairly weird. Hell, i know i was, but i couldn’t help it. Hindsight, i would slap myself silly. I was quite reserved, but very much explosive the next. All it took was a simple trigger and I would be flying off the hook, at school and my early years out of school. Once again, i am hearing the alarm bells ringing.

One thing I failed to mention was the fact that i grew up quite religious, well we at least tried to be as religious as we could. And for the longest time I use to blame all my life problems on the fact that i use to be a Jehovah’s Witness, but in present time, it has caused me some problems but not as much as I claim it to. But one big thing being a Witness taught me was to be reserved. So i was reserved. Well actually, i was too reserved. I never talked about my problems, i never talked about things, i barely talked about school life and worst of all, i never talked about what was on my mind. And i kept too much locked up inside of my mind. Life lasting damage perhaps.

Fast forward time to the age of 19. I had just recently been rejected from the police academy, i was working 60 hour weeks on the night shift and I was living a fairly unhealthy life with my diet choices and such things. And then like a freight train out of nowhere, I didn’t want to get out of the house. In fact, I didn’t want to even wake up. My existence all of a sudden meant nothing and all i wanted was death’s cold touch. It wasn’t the first time suicide was on my mind, and actually at this point I had already tried to commit suicide at the age of 16 (but i came to my senses) but this time it was like a dark well I couldn’t climb out of. I even had ideas how i would commit such acts, by punching a hole through the ceiling in the bathroom. and tying a noose off of the beams in the roof and “that’s all folks”.

I was then diagnosed with Depression. Something i was well aware of as when i was growing up I saw what it did to my mum. And in some crazy way i was thankful for it so I could see what my mum had to suffer through that practically made her bed-ridden for weeks on end. And it was tough, very tough. Some of the darkest days i had gone through at the time. But i was so grateful for having my girlfriend Kayla there as she never left my side, no matter how dark the days seemed to be.

But I made a mistake. I was put on antidepressants which was helpful. And i continued to be on that medication for 22 months. After the 22nd month, I convinced myself i felt better. Through laziness and constant convincing, I had cured my depression, oh what a miracle right!? WRONG! You can’t cure a chemical imbalance with laziness and self-hype ladies and gentlemen. So I decided to make the almighty decision to come off my tablets. Not slowly, but the best way, the cold turkey way. And at the time i felt good. I felt really good. And finally felt like i was back to being a normal person and didn’t have to rely on medication anymore.

So things kept’a rollin’ and life went on. Myself, Kayla and my daughter continued on living as it’s called or as close as we could to it anyway. And then things changed. Things really changed.

So my mind is still trying to pick the pieces up, put them together and get a better view of it all, but it seems to be quite the challenge. But i am getting there, and i am going to do my best to explain it now.

Around September last year (2016) I started feeling different. Feeling strange emotions and comprehended things differently. But this time it was mostly different from emotions i have felt in the past. I recalled feeling this way once in the past but not to such an extent. And what was this feeling?

It was a feeling of greatness!

I all of a sudden felt grand. I felt rich with importance, with knowledge, with curiosity. I felt I was given a tank of energy that was never to empty. Nothing could hold me down, and up is where i was headed, no one was going to get in my way, not even the people who loved me.

Little did i know at the time, but this was the beginning of my most extreme Hypomanic Episode… thank you Bipolar.

In the days of September it just started simply as doing a lot at work. Unpaid work, giving all i had, which admittedly i always try to give my 100% but in this sense of giving my all, i was actually giving all that i could to my work. Leaving work exhausted, going home to grab only a couple of hours of sleep and then either heading back to work or just leaving the house. I had to be doing something.

I was filled with many ideas, became goal driven to the max. The world felt like it was in slow motion, insulting my existence. I wanted to try things that i never had done like smoke weed and cigarettes, going out clubbing becoming extroverted as much as possible. I was tempted to do anything I could. I not only felt like a leader, but i felt like i was quite simply the best person around, thinking everybody around me wanting to either be me, wanted to get to know me, or tried to topple me from such the glorious pedestal i put myself on.

Even at work i felt that i was better than everyone, that i was carrying everything on my back and that other people were just in the way. Out of work i was all about my self-image. i had to look great where ever i went, even to the corner shop. I became very delusional about things; couldn’t be proven wrong about anything.

Through the months of October, November, December and majority of January, I continued down this path. But other things got worse. I started to demonize the people who cared about me. Some even became enemy number one. Friends, work colleagues, family members… as well as Kayla and my daughter.

I viewed looking after my daughter as (babysitting) and as a chore. Which in hindsight just crushes me, because anyone that knows me well knows that I would do absolutely anything for her. But during this time, she was just kinda there. I still loved her, but I guess she just became a background character to my grand story.

Worst of all, i hurt the one person that stuck by me through thick and thin, Kayla. I recall a night where i took her for a walk and just tore her down, picking out faults in her that wasn’t there and just shaking her foundation. And to this day I still struggle to remember what it was what i said, but through flashbacks i know they were horrid.

And I wish I could say that was the worst of it all, but it wasn’t.

Not only did I dismantle her hope, but i destroyed her trust. I cheated on her. Infidelity. I don’t know exactly what it was that was going through my mind, but regardless, the act was committed and time cannot be reversed. A couple of months ago i wrote a weird thing on here stating “Hypersexuality is a curse”, well, I received the other fun part of Bipolar and that is Hypersexuality. And you could probably assume what it is, but it’s the near uncontrollable urge for sex. Your mind tells you that not only do you want it, but you need it.

Some of this is hard to write because of a couple of reasons. Firstly, i know that by saying some of this is going to change people’s opinion of me, I’ll become judged for sure. And secondly, because it all seems like a decent excuse. But if i could assure you, i would love to.

When Christmas came, I am sure i was the least most joyous person there was, which is sad to comprehend as i like seeing people being happy.

In the end the people who knew me didn’t want to, the people that didn’t know me wanted to. And i became a god of my own world. I was ruler, i was judge, jury and executioner. I hand the world in my hands, and i wanted it all to myself.

That is pretty much all i can reveal of how i felt and what happened during my Hypomanic episode. Everyone’s story is different, but this is my story. My Mania was 4 amazing months for myself. The greatest I had ever felt in all of my rememberance. The feeling of not even an ounce depression was just incredible. But, it was the worst 4 months for most of the people around me.

This concludes the first part of three of my journey of my worst manic/depressive Bipolar Disorder Type II episodes. Part 2 will be about my depressive side, obviously.

If you have any questions please ask them! As well as any experiences, write them down in the comments, i would love to read your own stories too.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, i appreaciate it more than you know.



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