Mental Health Vlog

So I’ve done something different. Something that is completely out of my comfort zone. Thanks to inspiration from a YouTuber named Bipolar Barbie ( I’ve done a vlog. So watch if you want to and I hope you enjoy I guess. 


Poem – Break Away 

Am I stuck to live this way, bound and tied with no escape 

The cure for my impairment, nothing but a boulder covered tomb 

The aid I received for my cry of help now only causes me pain, the land of lethargy seems to like to hold me at bay 

Breaking the rules will lead to escape, but at what cost is what I ask 

I vow to never hurt like I’ve hurt the loved before, but the damage I caused can and will never be erased 

I need to break away from this, the thought, or the help, this I don’t know 

Blog – My Thoughts On God

I generally choose not to talk about things that are controversial or that may cause arguments; but sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone, you know?  So, here we are then, stepping into the ‘uncomfortable’. 

As a child I was raised as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, branching from Christianity; so having the general beliefs in God and Jesus but along with the bigger differences including the date of Jesus’s birth and how he died. Along with the more commonly known aspects like not celebrating birthdays and pagan holidays, not associating themselves with “the world” and the most controversial of all; the refusal of blood transfusions. 

From as young as I can possibly remember until the age of 16; this was my life. I lived and breathed this lifestyle. I didn’t know any different. Attending meetings, going out knocking on doors (to the annoyance of everyone I’m sure) and living wholesomely. It was tough; being the subject of ridicule on many occasions due to the belief I had, not being able to enjoy what it’s like being a kid like all the others, but having such restrictions. But it was a life I lived, mainly due to the fact that I was scared to step outside of it. 

But came the age of 15 and I began to see the holes in the bible stories, the lies behind the truths, the questions which were answered solely on faith alone and no evidential proof, and the two faced acts belonging to the people we are suppose to rely on like the Elders. So after months of internal struggles I made the choice to leave. 

This was horrendous because of a couple of reasons. One being because it was tough seeing how my family had to treat me because this happened. And I know that they only acted the way the only knew how, but I still have some pretty hectic flashbacks of the painful moments and heartbreaking words that were said to me. And the other reason, because it was a life I only knew, it was like I was reborn but into a world that I had no idea about. I was living in a world that made no sense to me because I was living in a guarded world. And then the stresses of “is the world going to end, have I made the wrong decision”. It’s been 7 years since I left and I still have these tormenting thoughts. 

Anyway, that is my background when it comes to religion. I have a pretty good idea of it, and The first few years after I left I became obsessed about finding the real answers to my questions and also surprising myself by finding things that have casted a bad light on the Jehovah’s Witnesses and other religions alike. 

So I’m 23 now and how do I feel? 

Fallacies. The whole lot of it. I was stripped of a childhood thanks to a fairytale. I don’t blame my family as they were all fooled. God is not existing. And trust me, I wish he was real just as much as the next, but he’s not. There is no God. The bible is the greatest work of fiction and poetry that there is, but it’s killed millions, those who buy into it. I understand these will be unliked thoughts; but I’m my mind, they are too correct. 

You are blinded from the truth with their lies. I wish I could wake the people from their senses but some are just too far gone. This has devolved into a rant like writing now I know; but I just had to get it off my chest. Don’t be blinded please; your wasting your life. I don’t care what religion you believe in; it’s all just lies upon lies upon lies. Have faith in yourself and not a story. 

Song – Filthy Jewel

Lace yourself with gold and silver, this you’ve done with ease

The silk caresses your body, you pride now the prime 

The world rejects people like you for causes oh so just, but you love yourself too much to see the target on your back 

Don’t hesitate with your choices when it comes to you and your ego, you never have and you never will so no point in starting now 

It will fade away, simply fade away, everything you’ve ever loved. For love of such materials mean nothing but disgust. You put your ego above all else and wonder why the hate; beware your fall is coming and it will be in fine taste

You whisper into ears like a evil succubus and everyone tends to succumb, even fate couldn’t stop my fall from grace

But you mean nothing now, nor to me, them, or you; your ego is pathetic you see and hell is your final tomb 

It will fade away, simply fade away, everything you’ve ever loved. For love of such materials mean nothing but disgust. You put your ego above all else and wonder why the hate; beware your fall is coming and it will be in fine taste

We’ll discard you now as you mean nothing, you’re lower than dirt it seems, once worn on a finger of royalty, well now you’re a peasants bed

We laugh and laugh all night long as you tremble at our feet, your a piece of filth forevermore, and this is one true feat 

It will fade away, simply fade away, everything you ever loved. For love of such materials mean nothing but disgust. You put your ego above all else and wonder why the hate; beware your fall is coming and it will be in fine taste.

Poem – Uninspired Touch

(Inspired by the song Shadow Life by Slash ft. Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators –

When we touch do you feel the cold, the missing heart within it all

It’s been draining within, is it you or me

Why have you changed your ways so; do you care for the life anymore? 

The secrets you’ve kept from me have been nothing but damning, as your arrogance has been oh so self inflating 

Left to our own devices do you even choose to think, or have you willingly chose to erase us all 

Eviscerated love from within your soul, you have brought this misery upon us all 

This shadow life you’ve eagerly chose to portray is nothing but twisted delusions, yet the smile on your face shows that it’s the life you want to willingly perfect

How long can the pleas last until you return to me? Do turn around and show me all but your back 

I loved you and know that I did, but I can’t love what I no longer know 

I’m sorry. 

Poem – Short Life

Have you ever looked up to stars in search of something more; praying and hoping your chance will come in any form right now 

You’re not alone if you find yourself still waiting; but don’t feel down because of this, as you time is still just coming

In life not much truly matters and that’s okay to know, just keep yourself safe and the ones you care for more 

I don’t want to alarm you, but what they say is bleak; life is just so short, so live it pride and true 

These words mean nothing right now oh that’s fair to say, but please look back when you’re older; you know that I am right. 

Blog Update – Moving Forward

Finally there are some positive changes coming my way. After what felt like an eternity battling myself and my surroundings; things are looking up. I’m so tired of dwelling upon the past, I’m more than ready to let it all go now; to move on and keep moving on. To grasp the happiness that’s always been in front of me. 

Not only that, I’m finally getting my things in order, things that I have been running away from for a while now. Getting my finances squared up, looking for more of a positive outlook on things included. Also a move is on the way.

I haven’t done a move out of the blue like this in a few years; but perhaps it’s the breath of fresh air my life urgently needs right now. Leaving a backwards town and being closer to the city and a larger populace. And I’m moving home. Moving back close to my hometown. 

To explain where I live now I’m not giving many positive words to use. Sure it has a couple of nice beaches and other locations, but isn’t really “younger generation-friendly” as it’s so limited. I’m 23 and I don’t need a whole lot to keep me entertained, but for where I am living now, it’s just not enough. And having my daughter and another baby on the way, it’s just not far for them, especially knowing what I grew up around as a kid.

I took everything for granted the first time I lived there, but this time ’round I’m going to be making the most of it; family adventures, getting engrossed in some culture, learn new things; I need a revamp, a complete reconstruction; and this is it. I literally have the change that I want at my fingertips and it’s fast approaching. It gives me an overwhelming sensation on the inside knowing that this is all coming to fruition. 

February 2012 I left the city life and moved to a country town 400kms away. The move was a quickly thought up idea and happened in what felt like a blink of the eye. It did not take me very long to regret this move but we went all in with the idea. It only took 2 years for things to become pear-shaped due to dying industries I lost my job which I have mentioned in old blogs. Then after those two years came a turbulent lifestyle of ups and downs. Some very good things and other very bad things. But we have always just rolled with the punches. 

Now it’s June 2017, 5 years and 4 months later.. and I’m about to move back to where I left, the place I took for granted and should have appreciated more. The longing I’ve had for a place has never been so strong. And I know what I’m returning to will not be the same; to have those expectations is downright ludicrous; but I will make it what I want it to be in my mind, and it will be glorious. Can you tell I am just a little bit excited? 

To know that I can visit theme parks, zoos, the city, quiet towns, busy towns.. anything and everything.. don’t take this for granted, as I have done. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I will be there with both arms ready to grasp anything thats given to me! 

Poem – I Will Rise

I’ve been held down for too long now, now I want nothing more than a victory song 

I’ve lapsed over and over for god knows how long, but I’m going to stand now, above all to be all

You won’t find me wollowing away in self pity, living in the dark, giving up on reachable hope

Through the madness I lived, experience I’ve gained, now is the time to test, “what doesn’t kill you only..” 

From the ashes I will rise, like a Phoenix to the sky

I’m sick of this fall, now watch me rise. 

“You’ve seen my descent, now watch my rising” – Jalaluddin Rumi.

Poem – Land of Lethargy 

My actions are motionless though I stay in motion, thoughts of anger stirring within 

Why can’t I find that place, once gained and truly unleashed 

For my thoughts are against me; but today on I ask for you to join my side 

Slow motion is my now, heaving and puffing with no actions at all 

Lethargic lethargy, pain formed within

Let me go and cling to the time; don’t hold me back, my beginning is now

For this land of lethargy is not for me now

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