Ramblings – To Purge Myself

Hindsight can be so cruel. It can create a reality that can be damning for your mental state. Make you realise that you are nothing more but a living failure. Some people have come to accept that, maybe it’s my turn. 

This isn’t through “depression-tinted” glasses, yet rather through a different perspective. A perspective that grasps my life and shines it through perhaps a better light. 

Long I yearn for the chance to reverse time, to undo decisions, fix what I helped damage and make things right. But that time is forever out of my reach. And that is that. 

My anxiety grows worse at trying to understand my future after such effects. Coming to understand that to be able to feel myself, or to even function at a normal level, requires 1525mg of antidepressants and mood stabilisers, also coming to turns with what I have done, accepting what I have done, yet not wanting what I have done yet accepting of all consequences. 

I fear for my life. The variations of me terrify me. They always reacquaint themselves through my dreams, my dreams are now a constant reminder of what I have, don’t have and a reminder of my wrongdoings. 

The people that care for me, I know they are there for me, I know they are. But they count on me getting better. I’m scared it won’t work, to the point where I just want to run away from it all. To get away from everyone and become the definition of isolation. They count on me, a guaranteed better version of me is required, I’m scared I’ll never see that day. 

My facade I carry on me now has so many faces to it I don’t know how to feel. Not in the sense of being two faced, but showing different kinds of strengths.. but internally, I can’t even begin to find the words that can explain my fatigue. 

I’m tired, I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of the fact that I’m tired. I’m sick of the anxiety, I’m sick of the depression, I’m sick of the recklessness, I’m sick of pressure (from within and out of my head) and I just want it to be calmed. 

Calm me. CALM ME! My emtions can go into overdrive, all connected to a hair-line trigger! Do you know what that is like. It’s ludicrous! 

I want to get better and apparently the road I’m going down is the right one. But right now, it doesn’t feel like it at all. I don’t think I’m going to be fixed.

I feel now that if god were to be real, I’ll get on my hands and knees, begging to be struck down. As the old saying goes, “Better to burn out, than fade away”. 

“I walked beside the still waters and they restored my soul, but I can’t walk on the path of the right, because I’m wrong.” 

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