Living Hell

Do you ever feel as if  the good has already come and gone in your life? That the good in your life has an end date? That the window of opportunity you have is based on your actions and if you make too many mistakes, the window shuts and the rest of your existence is just a downward spiral to the end.

I didn’t think so. For so long I believed all things could be saved, cured, fixed or just recovered. We fall into same old loops or ruts in our day to day lives, but we control how we get ourselves out of that situation. But what happens if that is gone. If nothing can be fixed, cured, saved or that there is no escape our daily hell. 

Is this about the death of my optimism? Is this me acknowledging that I don’t thing there is any good left in us as a society as well as our true intentions. My life isn’t all doom and gloom, it’s been one hell of a roller coaster, especially as of late, but there is a lot of good things in my life, and good things coming too.. but I just can’t shake it. 

And it’s not that the challenges that I face in like is harder than anyone else’s life; if anything I’ve had a rather privileged upbringing. Sure I was stuck in a conformist and religious youth but my life was never in danger. I’ve had the odd scarring moments in my childhood, some haunt me, some don’t; but tell me of a childhood that doesn’t have these scenarios. 

My teenager years were hell, but exactly as I said prior; most are. So what makes me so negative? Why is my outlook on life so demented? My mind just screams thoughts at me. Calling for nothing but horror. The suggestions, the criticisms, the insults, the white noises, they can be so deafening as well as so soul crushing. 

I don’t know why my mind thinks the way that it does. And I have been in this mental war with myself for at least 10 years, yet I don’t feel any stronger with it when it comes back meaner. My life experiences seem to make me weaker and unable to conquer what I have to. Each battle is longer and more crushing than the last. Some days it feels like a battle I can’t win. But I want to. 

I choose to think what I want to think and when I want to think it. But there’s days.. no, closer than that, there are times in the days where I don’t control what my mind suggests. I don’t want to think what I think, but I have to, because my mind has to. Our greatest gift is my worst enemy.. can you think of a harsher thing? 

I just don’t understand as to why I have this. This constantly daily battle. Waking up in the morning and not knowing which version of me will be present. I don’t want this, but I’m struggling of ways to take it away. 


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