I usually write blogs on my phone, but I’ve decided to use the laptop this time around. The site is a tad more confusing but being able to type is so much better. Quite sad really.. I think smart phones are doing us more of a disservice as we grow to rely on “spell check”. i am a victim myself.. i am finding myself waiting for “predict text” to catch on. God forbid us picking up a pencil again.
I haven’t put a blog up in quite some time now. I have tried, but i am finding it quite difficult to come up with something new to talk about. I seem to want to blog every time i want to ramble about something. But is that what blogs are for? I guess so.
So with all that shit out of the way, I guess I’ll call this an update blog.. if you will.
So I’ve gone with the title “Darkness Re-emerge” as the title of this here update. It’s funny, i am finding myself spending more time thinking of a title than actually writing a blog.. pretty sure that makes me a terrible person. I know it pretty much goes against what author’s believe anyway. But the title correctly sums up my current events.. to a T actually.
So back in November of last year I lost my job. Redundancies all around really. It took me until February to be able to find another job. That doesn’t seem quite bad, but in my mind it was. See I never finished High School (Does that make me a failure… yep). So i left school two years earlier which made my last year 2008. Where am i getting with this? i was about to elaborate on every job I have ever done but that is just rambling on. All Im trying to say is that since i left school I’ve never been unemployed before November 2014. I’ve had a few jobs but I’ve always been able to walk out of one and into another.
So when I lost my job in November I felt quite lost. And for the next three and a half months i felt quite useless. So you could probably imagine my response to when I was finally able to get another job.
Now fast-forward four and a half months, I have found myself once again unemployed. This time it hurts. See I received a redundancy package.. but this time around i didn’t receive anything. So not only am i finding myself jobless, but also a significant amount of money not entering my household anymore. Also probably the worst times are upon us to being able to find a job easy.
Anyway, that’s the job side of things.
Depression. I’ve never wanted to talk about my depression.. because that’s the “in-thing”. I detest when people throw the word “depression” around in attempt to find the sympathy and attention they seek. One of the reasons I hate it is how freely they talk about their battle with depression.. it borderlines straight mockery. No one who suffers with real depression want to talk about it.. because they hate thinking about it. Granted a way to overcome depression is talking about it.. but some people are just beating a dead horse.
My depression mirrors that of millions of suffers. I have been on anti-depressant medication for close to two years now. The worst part is I feel the medication doesn’t quite take the edge of like it use to. Especially considering I was hoping I wouldn’t be on any medication at this stage. But at this current stage.. there really isn’t an end in sight. Quite disheartening nonetheless.
Why do I have depression? You’ll find that a number of sufferers have depression due to something that has happened in their childhood that is sickening and innocence-taking.. it’d be fair to say that I am just a simple number in that statistic. Like everyone else, i don’t like to think about it so i won’t be elaborating.
So a couple of years of abuse and then mixing in the leaving of a religious organisation (Jehovah’s Witnesses) resulting in a family-wide shunning at the age of 15 plus a number of hurdles along the way… apparently those additions equalize depression.
What type of depression? Ye olde Clinical Depression. I don’t self-harm.. i find that quite disturbing to be honest. But I do battle the life-ending thoughts that many people that have depression deal with. It has intensified lately, but I would say that is because of the current happenings with the job-loss and such.
The scary thing about depression is you’re fighting so hard to stay positive and just keep going on. Not only is it mentally draining but also physically too. You become so exhausted but you just continue on. The scary part? its so much easier to just give up. (Don’t give up).
Anyway, that’s enough of my depression.
I’d like to talk about my writing actually.. while trying to avoid beating the same drum as i always have when I’ve talked about my writing. Usually you’ll find myself dream about how I want to write this, write that.. if you called bullshit you’ve caught my red-handed.. i haven’t started writing ANYTHING yet. It’s not for lack of trying though.. I’ve sat for hours in front of an empty notepad and nothing ever even going on to the book.
I really do want to write though.. oh how I yearn for it. I feel drained of creativity at the moment though.. but I am going to start writing tomorrow! And to reinforce my writing, I am thinking of doing a weekly blog update on how things are coming along. I am not overly concerned about the quantity that is achieved, but the quality that I am able to reach. I think if I apply a little meditation I may be able to reawaken the inspiration beast from within.. yeah I talk a lot of nonsense.
Anyway.. I think that is enough of an update on my life. I guess you could call it a beautiful destruction.
I actually gratefully appreciate the amount of people that read my content.. Thank you very much :).