Thoughts. Right now I’m just going to use this blog post to spill out a whole bunch of nonsense to keep my mind from overloading. So prepare for utter useless dribble I’m about to produce.
You have been warned!
So right now I’m playing a video game called Bloodborne. It’s about an ancient city called Yharnam that was once the very best cities when it comes to medical care. Able to heal all sorts of diseases and illnesses.. Literally all of them.. Apparently. And you play as a Hunter. You’re able to choose your background for the game, change your name (which I chose my name as I do In all games) and choose how your character looks. As your hunter has also been stricken with an illness he decides to head to Yharnam to get the magical healing!
But as he arrives it becomes quickly obvious that this may not exactly be the safest haven these days. Turns out a plague has torn through the city resulting in driving townsfolk to insanity, turning them into disfigured beasts (not only them but the animals too) and just all out anarchy! You are then given the task to survive. Battle monsters, find enhancements, find different weapons and outfits, and kill everything that tries to kill you.
Now one half of the co-studio production, FromSoftware, are known to make these ridiculously difficult games. Ones that intend to induce rage and discomfort. It does an amazing job at such tasks. I’ve never felt such anxiety in playing a game, constantly on edge and worried that your 86th death just awaits for you around the corner. Yet it suckers you in so well! When you defeat one of the bosses you feel a great deal of achievement, and you grow hungry for more.. If that can be said about a video game.
I feel the rage, I feel the joy, I feel the despair and I feel the anxiety. But this game has done much more than produce a mixture of emotions for myself, they have caused my overly productive mind to reflect. Reflect on my life, on my past, on my future. I don’t fully understand why this is, and I wouldn’t know where to even begin to explain it.
As I get slaughtered through corridors and old abandoned churches, I have chosen the same time to reflect on which direction is my life heading in. What twists and turns from my past has caused me to end up where I am now. Like everyone else, I haven’t had an easy life, and I don’t feel the need to explain it bit by bit as everyone has a different yet similar story.
Recently my family and I have moved into a new house which is between country land and the beaches, pretty much the most dream location. And I’ve thought many of times that a true meditation is in order, sitting by the water, listening as the waves crash while in total darkness and all that shines is the Stars and Moon above. (By the way, everyone should meditate, it’s brilliant). I’m yet to being able to go out and do just that, but it definitely is the perfect combination for the truest of reflections. But then all of a sudden a video game that produces the worst of environments and strangest of feelings has caused me to reflect.
What exactly am I thinking about when I reflect? Sometimes I don’t even know! But when I’m able to catch a glimmer of a thought in the whacky and wild brain of mine, I’m able to see clearer. Did the lack of finishing school cause me to be in great misfortune now? Will the decision that I made to leave the Jehovah’s Witnesses belief have dire consequences for me in the near future? Have I learnt enough in life to be a decent father and husband? Have I even learnt enough in life to keep myself intact and alive for the next 50 years? Which direction do I go from here? Am I intouch with the World and the Universe? Am I a dickhead? Am I a nice enough person? Have I lived and why am I not living if that’s the case?! So many questions, so little time to answer!
And that’s not even covering these weird feelings and emotions I get. It’s like deep within my mind there is information just wanting to be heard yet can’t! Have you ever listened to a song and enjoyed it more than just a song? Does it ever hit a cord with you, a mighty one In fact? And it throws your mind into a weird trance that gives you emotions that can’t be explained! (In hindsight that paragraph makes no sense, may have had a stroke).
I was quite a sheltered child growing up due to religion, so I had to learn a lot about life quickly when I left and sometimes I wonder if my mind is broken and not fully grasping what life is about. Maybe there is no point to it all. My mind definitely is a beautiful disaster.
Writer’s block, the true devil. I want to write, I want to create, I’d love to have a career that revolves around all of that. Perhaps a future goal? Am I any good though? Too damn crazy maybe.
I applaud you if you made it to the end. That was no easy task for either of us. You should get a medal!